nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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