Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
