i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
