my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
