She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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