There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
