u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
