Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
