I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
