thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
