dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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