Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
