I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
