so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize