the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
