My ATM looks so different sober.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
