You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
