She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
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