Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
