imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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