Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize