If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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