Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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