I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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