the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
