I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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