I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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