Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
