Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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