so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
