Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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