my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Randomize
