so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
