***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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