Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize