I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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