When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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