Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
