My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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