i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
