it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize