I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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