My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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