Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
pop tarts are not kleenex
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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