It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
