my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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