I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
cat food counts as protein by the way
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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