I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize