Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
