allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
