Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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