hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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