You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
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