I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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