I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
