the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
