somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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