Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Randomize
