Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
