Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
