he wants to bone in the snuggie
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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