Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
