all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize