Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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