i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize